That’s No Way to Treat a Hamburger

Moe Lane posted this video, which Caleb tweeted, the point of which is that it is trippy as all hell.  That’s not the takeaway I got from it.

I can hardly stand to watch them mash these burgers down, a heinous practice used by every fast-food joint and short-order cook in the known universe.  Why do they do this?  WHY?  It ruins the burger.  They’re squishing out all the juicy goodness.

The other thing I can’t stand is when short-order cooks throw cheese on top, then sprinkle water on the grill and cover it with a dome to melt the cheese.  It ain’t broccoli, you don’t steam it!  WTF?

The second one doesn’t matter so much, since I’ve pretty much sworn off cheese on my burgers.  It’s a much purer experience.

Here’s how you make a perfect burger.  Preheat your grill to RFH (Really F-ing Hot).  Grab a ball of ground beef, 80% lean, about the size of a baseball.  Press it in your (clean) hands to form a disc about an inch thick, making it slightly thinner in the center.  This’ll keep them from going all round when they cook.

Season well with kosher or sea salt, and either pepper or your favorite steak rub.  (Try this one: 1 part coriander, 1 part black pepper, 1 part white pepper, 1/4 part mustard seed, 1/2 part cumin seed, 1 part garlic powder, 5 parts onion powder, ground finely in your coffee grinder)

Cook 2-21/2 minutes on each side, then remove to tinfoil. Flip only once!  Do NOT poke a hole in it with your spatula to “test” its doneness.  Or I will hurt you.

Wrap loosely and let them sit for 5 minutes.  While the burgers are resting, toast your buns on the grill for about 30 seconds.

Ruin them with ketchup if you must, but I use mayo, a little on the bottom and more on top.  You can mix some chipotle sauce with the mayo if you like, or hot sauce.

The only kind of cheese I’ll put on a burger anymore is bleu cheese.  And don’t stuff your burgers with cheese, that just means you have to cook them to well, ruining them completely.

Bacon I will only use if I have awesome barbecue sauce to go with it.

Now, that’s how the eff you treat a burger.

Here are some pictures of the burger-making process, along with a few others.  Bacon-wrapped bananas on the grill, and banana brulee’ a la mode, which I’ll probably explain some other time.



  1. a little on the bottom and more on top

    Funny, I figured you for a total bottom guy.

  2. […] That’s No Way to Treat a Hamburger […]

  3. […] That’s No Way to Treat a Hamburger […]

  4. […] we have such culinary delights as Baconnaise, Bacon Salt, Bacon Vodka, and the marvel that is the bacon-wrapped banana. So why not put it into delicious disease form? After all, cows and chickens have their diseases, […]

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