Mystery Alex Theater 3000, Episode 1: “America’s First Muslim President?”

alex01thumbOkay Dosers, I’ve had it with this bull-pucky. No more shall I read incredibly ridonkulous articles and only bitch about them as a spectator! (Well, I’ll do that sometimes.) But when confronted with such absolute tosh as is presented to me in Frank J. Gaffney, Jr.’s editorial in the Washington Times today, entitled, “America’s First Muslim President?“, I shall no longer be objective, but systematically rip it apart, with my Forceps of Justice. Or something.

Welcome to Mystery Alex Theater 3000.

During his White House years, William Jefferson Clinton — someone Judge Sonia Sotomayor might call a “white male”

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA you’re so witty. Last time I checked, he was what everyone might call a “white male”, due to the fact that he is “white” and a “male”.

— was dubbed “America’s first black president” by a black admirer. Applying the standard of identity politics and pandering to a special interest that earned Mr. Clinton that distinction, Barack Hussein Obama would have to be considered America’s first Muslim president.

…go on…(so trying to make the Arab world not hate us is pandering now. Well, whatever floats your oyster.)

This is not to say, necessarily, that Mr. Obama actually is a Muslim any more than Mr. Clinton actually is black. After his five months in office, and most especially after his just-concluded visit to Saudi Arabia and Egypt, however, a stunning conclusion seems increasingly plausible: The man now happy to have his Islamic-rooted middle name featured prominently has engaged in the most consequential bait-and-switch since Adolf Hitler duped Neville Chamberlain over Czechoslovakia at Munich.

Ladies and Gentlemen, WE HAVE A GODWIN.

What little we know about Mr. Obama’s youth certainly suggests that he not only had a Kenyan father who was Muslim, but spent his early, formative years as one in Indonesia. As the president likes to say, “much has been made” — in this case by him and his campaign handlers — of the fact that he became a Christian as an adult in Chicago, under the now-notorious Pastor Jeremiah A. Wright.

“What little we know”? Someone get me the picture of Obama dressed up for Halloween as a pirate!

This controversial image of the young Barack Obama caused consternation among ninja voters.

This controversial image of the young Barack Obama caused consternation among ninja voters.

I’m sorry, what exactly about dressing up and soliciting candy from neighborhood citizenry after dark is un-American? He also spent much of his formative years in Hawaii. Or was Hawaii annexed by North Korea when I wasn’t looking?

Oh, and his father was an atheist by the time he met Obama’s mother. Research fail.

With Mr. Obama’s unbelievably ballyhooed address in Cairo Thursday to what he calls “the Muslim world” (hereafter known as “the Speech”),

…isn’t it what everyone calls “the Muslim world”? And the Speech? Like, the Speech? Didn’t know Obama had that kind of power. Of course, he must be a wizard! (Well, Nita’s dad does mistake the text on the Manual for Arabic letters in the Young Wizards series, so you may be fridge logic-ing your way to something there.)

there is mounting evidence that the president not only identifies with Muslims, but actually may still be one himself. Consider the following indicators:

…”may still be one himself”? But you just said, “This is not to say, necessarily, that Mr. Obama actually is a Muslim any more than Mr. Clinton actually is black.”! I saw you! I saw you! I bet you’re one of those people who thinks Obama’s not a citizen because he was born in Hawaii, or some bugfuckery.

Mr. Obama referred four times in his speech to “the Holy Koran.” Non-Muslims — even pandering ones — generally don’t use that Islamic formulation.

And I also bet you’re one of those people who demands that even nonbelievers call it “the Holy Bible”. He’s playing to his audience…or did you not notice that Egypt is a primarily Islamic country and that running around denouncing Islam won’t make us any friends?

Mr. Obama established his firsthand knowledge of Islam (albeit without mentioning his reported upbringing in the faith)

Because Jesus freaking Christ, pardon the blasphemy, he wasn’t brought up in the faith, he was brought up with a varied religious education by his mother and the schools he attended with no pressure to pick any one, and he ended up following Christianity. Also, what would it matter if he were Muslim? Last I checked there was supposed to be freedom of religion in this country. Or is it freedom of religions not primarily practiced by people who don’t look like you? :/

with the statement, “I have known Islam on three continents before coming to the region where it was first revealed.” Again, “revealed” is a depiction Muslims use to reflect their conviction that the Koran is the word of God, as dictated to Muhammad.

What part of “dude, he’s playing to his audience and being respectful of Islam, he’s in Egypt,” don’t you understand?

Then the president made a statement no believing Christian

oh sweet fanciful fuck here we go

— certainly not one versed, as he professes to be, in the ways of Islam — would ever make. In the context of what he euphemistically called the “situation between Israelis, Palestinians and Arabs,” Mr. Obama said he looked forward to the day “. . . when Jerusalem is a secure and lasting home for Jews and Christians and Muslims, and a place for all of the children of Abraham to mingle peacefully together as in the story of Isra, when Moses, Jesus and Muhammad (peace be upon them) joined in prayer.”

Okay, sounds like a reasonable statement, given his audience. Obviously he’s looking for peace in the Middle East, and “situation” is much shorter than “sixty-year turf wank because different religions don’t like sharing”…

Now, the term “peace be upon them” is invoked by Muslims as a way of blessing deceased holy men. According to Islam, that is what all three were – dead prophets.

Okay. That’s all correct.

Of course, for Christians, Jesus is the living and immortal Son of God.

…your-your point, I do not see i–OH! Oh, I see. Because Obama wasn’t going to be a total jackass and be all “Yeah, my boy’s immortal, your Prophet isn’t, nyah nyah”, you’re implying that he’s not a Christian. Genius. Sheer Pulitzer-worthy brilliance.

In the final analysis, it may be beside the point whether Mr. Obama actually is a Muslim.

Then why in the name of all that is delicious and cakey did you bring it up so goddamn much?!

In the Speech and elsewhere,

ohshi– he said it in the Speech, he can’t lie, whatever follows must be true.

he has aligned himself with adherents to what authoritative Islam calls Shariah — notably, the dangerous global movement known as the Muslim Brotherhood — to a degree that makes Mr. Clinton’s fabled affinity for blacks pale by comparison.

Wh-wh-what. Pics or it didn’t happen. (Fabled affinity for blacks, like that’s a bad thing?? Where are we, 1952? Has Loving v. Virginia not been ruled on yet?)

For example, Mr. Obama has — from literally his inaugural address onward — inflated the numbers and, in that way and others, exaggerated the contemporary and historical importance of Muslim-Americans in the United States. In the Speech, he used the Brotherhood’s estimates of “nearly 7 million Muslims” in this country, at least twice the estimates from other, more reputable sources. (Who knows? By the time Mr. Obama’s friends in the radical Association of Community Organizers for Reform Now (ACORN) perpetrate their trademark books-cooking as deputy 2010 census takers, the official count may well claim considerably more than 7 million Muslims are living here.)

“They believe in Allah, not God! Not important!” I think he’s really just using this article to be xeno-theophobic in public. Yeah, only Christians and Jews do important things. Not Buddhists, not Hindus, not atheists, not agnostics. (Never mind that Islam is an Abrahamic religion, just like Judaism and Christianity, and reveres the Jewish and Christian traditions pre-Nicene Council – i.e., Jesus is a revered prophet but not the son of God, since Muslims believe that God is indivisible and the concept of the Trinity is apocryphal. But whatever. Not important.)

Also, one in ten Muslim-American households contains a physician/medical doctor. The top three professions for Muslim-Americans are student, engineer, and physician. And a Cornell study in April of 2002 shows that there are at least 8 million Muslim-Americans in the United States. That took me two minutes to Google. Another report in 2007 by the United States Institute of Peace gives the number as 6 to 7.5 million Muslim-Americans. 6 million is a median number, since there’s no real list. There’s also a lengthy and informative Wiki article called Islam in the United States. Did Not Do The Research much? Also, way to ACORN. Pretty sure that’s some sort of Godwin corollary.

Even more troubling were the commitments the president made in Cairo to promote Islam in America. For instance, he declared: “I consider it part of my responsibility as president of the United States to fight against negative stereotypes of Islam wherever they appear.”

Well, yeah. Muslim-Americans are citizens too. I know I get looked at funny sometimes for being half-Middle Eastern. Random screening at airports – I always get picked. And I encounter a lot of anti-Muslim rhetoric from people I know and in the media. Nothing wrong with protecting your citizens from hate speech.

He vowed to ensure that women can cover their heads, including, presumably, when having their photographs taken for passports, driver’s licenses or other identification purposes.

Dude, that’s the law already. I should know, I just got my passport and read the rules. Same as a Jewish man wearing a yarmulke in his passport photo (as I’m sure a friend of mine does). They ask for the face to be uncovered for the actual photo, but it’s still legal for people to wear religious garb such as headscarves in ID photos.

He also pledged to enable Muslims to engage in zakat, their faith’s requirement for tithing, even though four of the eight types of charity called for by Shariah can be associated with terrorism. Not surprisingly, a number of Islamic “charities” in this country have been convicted of providing material support for terrorism.

…that is not what zakat means. Zakat is a mandatory tithe given to the mosque, which then distributes the wealth to the neediest members of the congregation! Other charity is encouraged, sure, but you kind of fail for associating zakat with terrorism. Islam is a community-based religion – the mosque is supposed to be like a very big family. “But Alex, how do you know all this? You’re not…a Muslim, are you? *shocked gasp*” No. I read books. Research: It works, bitches.

Particularly worrying is the realignment Mr. Obama has announced in U.S. policy toward Israel. While he pays lip service to the “unbreakable” bond between America and the Jewish state, the president has unmistakably signaled that he intends to compel the Israelis to make territorial and other strategic concessions to Palestinians to achieve the hallowed two-state solution.

Well, ideally, they would share their blocks like good children, and we could have a one-state solution. But that would make the Palestinians (read: Muslims) the majority, and Israel would no longer be a Jewish state, and that is why everyone gets their knickers in a wad. And, uh, is there something wrong with sharing?

In doing so, he ignores the inconvenient fact that both the Brotherhood’s Hamas and Abu Mazen’s Fatah remain determined to achieve a one-state solution, whereby the Jews will be driven “into the sea.”

You seem to have missed the fact (or just quote-mined) that he called on the Palestinians to make concessions as well and stop threatening/committing violence upon Israelis. I do not see what is so hard about this. 8|

Whether Mr. Obama actually is a Muslim or simply plays one in the presidency may, in the end, be irrelevant.

then why do you keep bringing it up?!

What is alarming is that in aligning himself and his policies with those of Shariah-adherents such as the Muslim Brotherhood,

Links or it didn’t happen, brother. Not seen any evidence of that anywhere, ever.

the president will greatly intensify the already enormous pressure on peaceful, tolerant American Muslims to submit to such forces

…what? No. He’s trying to help the tolerant ones and help other people be tolerant. Truth be told, it’s people like you, or at least how you’ve represented yourself in this article, that are causing the problem in this country. Xeno-theophobia is not a good policy to carry out, especially when people may snap and go xeno-theophobic right back at you.

– and heighten expectations, here and abroad, that the rest of us will do so as well.

YOU SAY WORDS BUT THEY DO NOT MAKE SENSE. Why would we ever submit to the terrorists? We are the indomitable American spirit! We will never give up! Never surrender! We will fight them on the hills, we will fight them on the beaches! And some such.

Overall Analysis: Not as bad as I thought it was going to be, but still pretty gonk-worthy. Not gonna lie, first time I read it, I was like this:

…but it got better over time. Or I just got jaded. I mean, again with his Muslim heritage? (I thought we had freedom of religion in this country. Obv., I was wrong.) Will this tossery never end? Dear Lord, are we never to be free?

Probably not. Meh.

This concludes the inaugural episode of Mystery Alex Theater 3000. Please deposit your 3-D glasses in the bin by the door.


  1. Alex, I gotta tell ya, this slice and dice approach of yours is so nastalgic. It brings me back to some great epic battles on the old PM. [Bebe, you out there? Does this remind you of anyone/anything?].

    I love your style, Alex, and you are hilarious.

  2. “That took me two minutes to Google. ”

    Why people resist using this tool is beyond me …

  3. Haha, thanks, Splash. Sometimes when I see The Stupid, I just can’t stop myself. (Haven’t gotten that slicey-dicey since I got into a fight about a book a few years ago!)

    As for why people don’t Google or even Wiki, it is a mystery. Usually the answer is laziness and the assumption that people think you’ve fact-checked already so they won’t bother to. Often, it works. 8|

  4. Excellent Alex–a nice (as Splash pointed out) reminder of the epic battles that were fought valiantly, and are sorely missed today, on the old Political Machine blogs. Your reaction to seeing ‘The Stupid’ reminded me, also, of how I originally started commenting on PM, back in the day. Sometimes, one just can’t let certain things go by.

    (Yes, honey, I’m here and it does. Heyyy! I just used Google today, remember?)

    Keep up the great job, Alex–I absolutely love reading it!

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