Get Me To The Briefing Room On Time?

alex01thumbWhat’s that, CNN? Gibbs is late for briefings? Chronically so? Well, color me shocked. Really. I had no idea – no idea! – that people working in top government positions, including the White House’s face to the world, often have overbooked schedules and thus are late for lots of things. Sometimes, Gibbs’ lateness is a godsend for reporters who have, for whatever reason, fallen behind their own schedules. Yeah, it’s annoying waiting for someone, but it’s certainly not worth crying about on a well-respected news source. Do what I do when you know someone is “chronically late” – arrive on time and bring a book with you or something. Or, you know, write a butthurt story about how the person you’re meeting is late and go through the effort required to calculate how late they are, every day, overall. Whatever floats your oyster. (Do you need a certain patience threshold to be a White House correspondent? If so, I may fit the bill.)

Simply put, this is not news, this is drivel, this is pap. It’s like saying, “This just in: Kittens are adorable. Film at 11.”

The enemy of freedom!!!11!one`

The enemy of freedom!!!11!one`

And the commenters on the Political Ticker just lap it up. Using it to bash Obama, using it to bash Bush, using it to bash Gibbs, using it to bash Perino, using it to bash Benjamin Netanyahu (well, if comments weren’t closed I bet it would get to that stage). Yet another excuse to use the #CNNFail hashtag, which I’m growing to love more and more. You’re a journalist, so act like one. Report some actual news. The world doesn’t revolve around Robert Gibbs’ punctuality! I fully expect to see, within the next few days, a story about how David Axelrod is the next Mussolini for badgering his assistant to get him some Dairy Queen.

Obviously I’ve been watching too much Zero Punctuation. Come to think of it, there should be a Zero Punctuation-like series for news and politics. We could call it “You’re an Idiot, and Here’s Why”, or “Go Soak Your Head”. Ah well. I can dream.

In the meantime, please enjoy this musical take on the situation:

RAHM AND AXELROD:
There’s just a few more minutes.
That’s all the time you’ve got;
A few more minutes
Before they start a riot.

GIBBS:
There’s drinks and leads all over DC
And I’ve gotta track ’em down
In just a few more minutes.
Set ’em up, me darlin’!

I’m going briefing in the arvie!
Ding dong! The intercom will chime.
Pull out the stopper!
Let’s have a whopper!
But get me to the briefing on time!

I got ta be there in the arvie,
Spruced up and lookin’ in me prime.
Reporters, come and kiss me;
Show how you’ll miss me.
But get me to the briefing on time!

If I am dancin’,
Roll up the floor.
If I am whistlin’,
Whewt me out the door!

For I’m going briefing in the arvie.
Ding dong! The intercom will chime.
Kick up a rumpus,
But don’t lose the compass,
And get me to the briefing…

RAHM AND AXELROD:
Get ‘im to the briefing…

GIBBS:
For God’s sake, get me to the briefing on time!

GIBBS AND CHORUS:
I’m/He’s going briefing in the arvie.
Ding dong! The intercom will chime.
Some bloke who’s able
Lift up the table,
And get me to the briefing on time!

GIBBS:
If I am flyin’,
Then shoot me down.
If I am wooin’,
Get ‘em out of town!

GIBBS AND CHORUS:
For I’m/He’s going briefing in the arvie!
Ding dong! The intercom will chime.

GIBBS:
Feather and tar me;
Call out the Army;
But get me to the briefing.
Get me to the briefing.
For God’s sake, get me to the briefing on time!

CHORUS:
He’s going briefing in the arvie!
Ding dong! The intercom will chime.

GIBBS:
Come on! Pull out the stopper!
Let’s have a whopper!
But get me to the briefing on time!

CHORUS:
He’s got ta be there in the arvie,
Spruced up and lookin’ in ‘is prime.

GIBBS:
Reporters, come and kiss me;
Show how you’ll miss me.
But get me to the briefing on time!

If I am dancin’,
Roll up the floor.
If I am whistlin’,
Whewt me out the door!

CHORUS:
For he’s going briefing in the arvie.
Ding dong! The intercom will chime.

GIBBS:
Drug me or jail me,
Stamp me and mail me.
But get me to the briefing…

CHORUS:
Get him to the briefing…

GIBBS:
For God’s sake, get me to the briefing on time!

[musical interlude]

CHORUS:
Reporters, come and kiss ‘im;
Show how you’ll miss ‘im.
But get him to the briefing on time!

[musical interlude]

CHORUS:
Kick up a rumpus,
But don’t lose the compass,
And get him to the briefing on time!

GIBBS AND CHORUS:
If I am flyin’,
Then shoot me down.
If I am wooin’,
Get ‘em out of town!

CHORUS:
He’s going briefing in the arvie.
Ding dong! The intercom will chime.

AXELROD:
Some bloke who’s able
Lift up the table,

GIBBS:
Get me to the briefing on time!

CHORUS:
Get him to the briefing!
Get him to the briefing!

AXELROD AND RAHM:
Lunchtime is reelin’ ‘ome to bed now.
Afternoon’s smearin’ up the sky.

CHORUS:
DC’s returning.
Reporters are yearning.
Good luck, old chum,
Good health, goodbye.

GIBBS:
I’m going briefing in the arvie.
Ding dong! The intercom will chime.

CHORUS:
Hail and salute me,
Then haul off and boot me;
And get him to the briefing,
Get him to the briefing!
For God’s sake, get him to the briefing on time!

[RAHM and AXELROD shove GIBBS into the JAMES S. BRADY PRESS BRIEFING ROOM and lock the door. There is MUFFLED SCREAMING.]

(For those Dosers who need a refresher on the tune, here you go.)

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