Ancient Egyptian Text: “Anti-Semitic Libtards Believe Jews Are Too Weak To Build Pyramids!”

Editor’s note: This post is by guest contributor Jon Bershad, who’s also a writer/editor at

Unless you’ve been under a rock the past couple of months or so, you’ve probably noticed the “It Gets Better Project” and all the other media hoopla surrounding anti-gay bullying. Hopefully though, you, like other brave souls, have seen this for what it truly is: obvious liberal homophobia. Clearly these gay rights activists actually hate gays because they believe homosexuals incapable of standing up for themselves. It’s just like all of those civil rights idiots who hate blacks and want to coddle them. Unfortunately, this kind of rank, left-wing bigotry has existed as far back as wings themselves as proven by recent translations of texts from ancient Egypt.

Much of the day to day life of Egyptian culture from that period has been lost to the deterioration of papyrus scrolls. However, a recent expedition re-examining tombs previously thought emptied out by various raiders and treasure seekers has unearthed the mother lode: a series of tablets written in colloquial prose which has now been nicknamed “Big Egypt” by historians. While the tablets have been worn down by time, one was intact enough to be translated by a team of researchers from Cambridge and Oxford. The tablet, a screed about politics of the time, appears to have been written under the title, “Libtards Are At It Again!” and discusses the treatment of Egypt’s slaves, primarily the Hebrew people.

Here are the translated segments:

“Gods, I hate all those anti-Semitic Libtards who believe Jews are too weak to be forced to build our pyramids!

I’m sick of all these protesters trying to create some kind of fascist nanny-state that restricts the amount of whippings each Jew is allowed to receive per hour. They then have the gall to say that we’re prejudiced if we don’t agree with them! Obviously they’re the bigots and they’re trying to turn all of us Egyptians into the slaves. Slaves to political correctness, that is!”

The writer then continues, discussing his feelings about the Hebrew people:

“Unlike the looney left wing, I respect Jews. I know that they’re human beings who have strength and conviction. And that means that I respect them enough to know that they’re capable of dragging and carrying granite for 18 hours a day. If you want to try to tell me that they’re not, then you’re the one who’s an anti-Semite! And I’d stake my first born son on that!”

An interesting portion of the texts details the author’s opinions of a prominent public figure:

“You know who I hate the most? That godsdamned Moses guy. You know, the little rich boy who now wants us to believe he’s just a poor shepherd who floated down a river as a baby. Give me a break.

This guy keeps going on and on, shouting his ‘Let my people go’ nonsense. Oh, I get it, Moses. They’re your people now. You own them. In case Moses forgot, they’re Egypt’s slaves. We all of our people.

Man, what a typical self-righteous liberal.”

The author ends his epistle thusly:

“If these bigots continue to treat the Hebrews as nothing but victims, how are the Children of Israel ever going to learn to stick up for themselves?

Of course, by ‘stick up for themselves’ I obviously mean ‘continue to build our damn pyramids.'”

When asked for comment about the translations, Dr. Robert Callaway, head of the research team, called them “nothing short of incredible.”

“Not only do these tablets tell us things about Egyptian life that we could only previously guess about,” he said. “They also show definitively that, throughout history, whenever someone tries to stand up for an oppressed minority, they’re actually just a crazy, liberal bigot who only wants to control said people. And, besides, oppressed minorities totally need to grow a pair, right?”

Unfortunately, an entire lower section of the tablet which claimed to hold indisputable proof that certain slave drivers were giving Jewish slaves preferential treatment over war prisoner slaves has been chiseled over by an unknown person at some point. The only explanation given is a quick scribble about “out of context hieroglyphics.”

Whatever the case, let us all hope that people learn from these tablets and stop interfering in the growth of minority groups. Obviously, just like the writer of Big Egypt may have predicted, the Hebrews eventually learned to stand up tyranny. And then they escaped Egypt and lived peacefully and without persecution for the rest of time.

Perfect happy ending.

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