Birthers Endorse Chuck Norris For President

With all of the recent noise surrounding the “Birther” movement, I pitched a conspiracy theory roundup to my editors at Asylum.  As I was researching the article, I came across this hilarous Chuck Norris Fact:  The Birthers endorse Chuck for President.

There’s a link on the official Birther homepage to the Chuck Norris 2012 page, where you’ll find the answers to the obvious question:

Why Chuck Norris? Do you need to ask?

Actually, I would have said, “Chuck Norris for President? WTF?” I digress.

Our country needs leadership and Chuck is the one to give it to us! He has a strong moral and professional background and is a leader in everything he does. He will uphold the Constitution and protect all of our rights!

Unless you’re gay.

He is respected by our troops and has proven himself financially responsible.

He has already proven that he has a sence of humor!
– If I am elected president – Chuck Norris (06/11/2007)
– If I Am Elected Vice President – Chuck Norris (05/20/2008)
– And don’t forget Chuck Norris Facts

While you are at it, check out The Birthers, Dedicated to the rebirth of our Constitutional Republic.

The strange thing, though, is that the Birther-run Chuck Norris 2012 doesn’t feature any proof at all that Norris is a natural-born US citizen.  What gives?  What’s the difference between Chuck Norris and Barack Obama?  No, it couldn’t be that Norris is white and Obama isn’t.  Why is that the first thing you people always think of?

No, there’s no other conclusion to be drawn.  The entire “Birther” movement was created as a smokescreen to cover up Norris” own Kenyan birth.  Chuckers, unite!  Demand proof that this isn’t true!

Billie’s Quickies?

Well, after two days of no quickies because of unforeseen circumstances, I was quite excited to post some today.

However, today’s quickies will be replaced with:  annoyance that the “majority (using this term lightly)” are acting like doormats or fully being jackasses re healthcare/health insurance reform, and indignation that the last two news cycles have been dominated by conspiracy theorists with regard to Obama’s citizenship and allegations that the President is racist.  May as well bring back Speidi if the news is gonna be this stupid.  Think of it this way, ENews banned Heidi and Spencer Pratt for God’s sake…..ENEWS!

Porn Star Senate Hopeful Arrested, Political Adviser’s Car Explodes

As longtime followers of adult film actress Stormy Daniels’ burgeoning quest to unseat Louisiana Senator David Vitter, we were disappointed to learn that her bid hit a pair of rather large bumps this week.  First, there was her arrest on domestic abuse charges:

Daniels was charged with battery after she allegedly hit her husband, Michael Mosny, over the head with her hands. According to the police report, she was angry about a bill Mosny hadn’t paid and about the way his father had done the laundry. She broke a flower pot and a few glass candle holders, threw their wedding album on the floor and allegedly hit her husband while struggling to get the car keys from him. She denied hitting him intentionally.

According to TPM, the arrest didn’t deter her plans to go at it with Vitter.

Neither, apparently, did the explosion of Daniels political adviser Brian Welsh’s car.  Adding to the surreality of the situation, Welsh has posted surveillance video of the incident on his YouTube page.

Here’s the “before” video, which shows someone tampering with the car:

And here, as Welsh says, is his car “blowing up in a pretty serious way.”

Police are looking for a suspect they describe as “blurry.”

While many view Daniels’ candidacy as a publicity stunt, she certainly appears to be unsinkable.  In any case, these appear to be 2 exceptions to the adage that there’s no such thing as bad publicity.